How our Family of Origin effects our Relationships

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Family on it impacts who we are in relationship. This is where we learn how and who to be in relationship. This the playground where we create our relationship myths from. Men will always leave, a good men is hard to find, can not trust a women, women are just in for a free ride.  In a relationship you can’t have commitment and fun. You can’t have your dreams filled inside a relationship. Committed relationship comes at a cost to personal fulfillment,

Who we pick: we pick someone who presents that they will fulfill the needs that were not meet when we were young, we are attracted to someone with all the negatives and positive characteristics of our parents, the question is what do we do with them, do you use them to create a smaller and more confined box or relationship or do we use them to rewrite the story and have a more fulfilled relationship and life. Family rules, what stuff we try and avoid only to create!

How we pick:In the beginning we look for who is going to make us feel good, who makes us feel smart, special, good looking, capable, competent, safe and more. These are characteristics we either received or didn’t from our parents. We are drawn to recreate or run away from these. Either way they are going to show up in some form in our relationships. These are the things that attract us and can break us apart.

How we get stuck: We get stuck when we either run from what is not working, saying blaming it on the other for not being what we need or not being what we had imagined them to be. Or we become bored with the safe little box we have created in our relationship and begin to search for things outside ourselves to feel fulfilled. Both use we end up blaming our relationship for not meeting our needs.

Example:

A woman who is put down by her father, called stupid is attracted to a man who is smart, so she feels smart, in the beginning  makes her feel special and smart by association, but eventually her fears will arise, his smarts will start to be threatening, she has three choices, act as smart as possible always, ( as she did as  a child)which is exhausting or two, cave and hide under the pressure and become invisible( as she may have done as a child also) or three begin to be curious about how familiar this feeling is and start the process of creating something different for herself.

Another Example:

A woman growing up in  a home with a distant workaholic dad, she  feels invisible and marries a man who seems to treat her special in the beginning, with lots of focus on her,  and once in the relationship realizes he has numerous hobbies which seemed interesting in the beginning but is actually exactly she felt with her own father. Invisible and distant from him. That his interest are more important than her. The more she complains about him not having enough time for her the more it pushing him away therefore creating the very cycle she was resisting in the first place!

Choices are,

– Keep busy just like him and create more distance

– Give up self and join him in his hobbies just to feel close, but still remain emotionally distant

– Begin to face this feeling of invisible and move towards feelings and the partner. Actually have a chance to heal what is left over from childhood.

Books that are useful: Getting the love you want. Harville Hendrix  Imago Relationship Therapy

Lisa deLusignan

Lisa de Lusignan has a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology and has been coaching singles for over 10 years. She is a teacher and facilitator and a mother of a teenage son.

After a challenging and painful divorce she was determined to learn and heal from the experience and create a passionate fulfilling life. She brings her experience of being single in her thirties to this work, inspiring singles with hope and knowledge to have a fabulous life and relationship.

Contact Lisa 604-312-3942
Visit Lisa’s website at ParadigmTransformations.com

Laura Bradley

Laura Bradley has a thriving counselling practice in North Vancouver; she is a Registered Professional Counsellor with the Canadian Professional Counsellors Association and a Certified Group Facilitator. She has developed and facilitated personal growth workshops, and has considerable experience doing relationship, family, and individual counselling.

Laura specializes in relationship building work; that is, she guides singles and couples towards more passionate, purposeful, and connected relationships. In all of her counselling and coaching work, her goal is to help people to live the best lives that they can live. Laura is also a community trainer and educator.

Some other areas of expertise are relationships, post partum adjustment, family dynamics and parenting. She has appeared on City TV, was an expert guest for C-Fun radio, and has contributed to articles in The Globe and Mail and Today’s Parent in regards to post partum and parenting issues.

Contact Laura 604-612-4142
Visit Laura’s website at SteadfastCounselling.com